29 years old? Bullsh*t!

Taylor Hicks. this dude is so awkward! he has a sweet sweet voice and i truly think he offers something different than the other American Idol contestants, but the man is awkward! his mugs look like he's posing for a camera that's too close to his face - you know! the pullback to reveal multiple chins.

if he wants to ooze an ounce of sex appeal, someone has got to teach him how to pose.

clunky monkey

so sasha didn't get the gold. i didn't put a hex on her, promise! she spoke about her rocky warmup to Sports Illustrated. i don't quite understand what she said. if you get it, explain it to me:

"I was not nervous, but I was a little apprehensive, knowing I missed the lutz and flip," she said. "When things are not going well in warmup, it's hard to feel you're getting churros at Disneyland."

i guess it's what she would have done if she had her, "I'm going to Disneyland!" moment. but it's clunky. the girl's got the press precision of a Sherman Tank.

where the hatin' is easy-peasy

Rachael Ray Sux Community

their agenda, reprinted in almost-entirety, because i think it's ridiculous!:

"This community was created for people that hate the untalented twit known as Rachael Ray.

Rachael Ray is annoying for many reasons but here are a few: she is repetitive, she talks with her hands way too much, she giggles incessantly, she puts olive oil and chicken stock in everything, she wears really ugly clothing, she talks out of one side of her mouth like she's had a stroke, she looks like "The Joker" when she smiles, and she can't stop talking about her family.

If you loathe Rachael Ray as much as we do, join this community and talk shit about her! If you actually like Rachael Ray and think this community is evil, go cry in your garbage bowl and shut the hell up."

i have a weird fascination with Rachael Ray. i admit, i love watching her shows: 30-Minute Meals, $40 a Day. Tasty Travels and Inside Dish? not so much. the woman is so incredibly cheesy, but that's her schtick! she wears ridiculously tight Michael Stars shirts, but that's her delusional charm! when she bites into food, she conveys her enjoyment to you as if you were a retarded person, but that's her on-screen persona! that's why we love Rachael Ray - the girl is a supreme dork, completely incapable of being sexy. case in point, her photo shoot for FHM Magazine:


so clunkily unsexy!! i love it!

a couple of years ago, i was preparing an audition for MAD TV (no autographs, please), and had to come up with a couple of celebrity impressions. being Asian-American, after Lucy Liu and Ann Curry (a stretch, i know), i was tapped. and, not wanting to take my friend's suggestion of Short Round from Indiana Jones, i considered doing Rachael Ray having sex ("Mmmmmm...now THIS is GOOD.") unfortunately, this was 2002 and she was still relatively unknown.

i could do it now, but the backlash would be unreal! these rachael-haters mean business - check out these hysterical avatars from the site:





love it!

poop this movie

i love to spoil movies for myself. it all started when i wanted to find out the end of Candyman 2: Farewell to the Flesh (if you haven't seen the original Candyman, with Virginia Madsen, see it. it's a hoot that will scare the sh*t out of you.) did you know Candyman 2 was directed by Bill Condon, semi-acclaimed director? anyways, the synopses on imdb and rotten tomatoes were not giving anything away, so i did a litle cyber-sleuthing and discovered these two GENIUS sites:

The Movie Spoiler & Moviepooper (not to be confused with Jay and Silent Bob Strikes Back's Movie Poop Shoot)

between these two websites, you can find out the ending of practially any movie you can think of. i like to poop horror movies, myself, since i am way too scared to see them, but want to know how scary they are. i don't know why, but my sentimental favorite poop is for Final Destination 2. it almost makes me want to see it!

like that which comes from our bowels, the quality of movie poop varies. sometimes it is lengthy and rich (like the "S" curve that Dr. Oz recommended on Oprah) and sometimes it is choppy and confusing (like, "what the hell was in that meal?") for instance, take Moviepooper's poop for the film, The Game. i guess i should give the requisite *****SPOILER WARNING!!! IF YOU WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW THE ENDING OF THE FILM, THE GAME, PLEASE SKIP THE FOLLOWING***** , but when you see it, you'll realize i didn't need it:
"The Game doesn't end until the birthday party."


******END OF SPOILER*****

i like my poop somewhere in the middle. i don't need the synopsis of each and every scene, but if the ending is a twist, i want to know that.

here are movies i recommend based on the quality of their poop (no worries, i will not be giving anything away):

Saw (which i actually will see one day!)
The Skeleton Key
The Vanishing
What Lies Beneath
Identity (my very first "What the f**k?!?" poop)
Matchstick Men
Frailty (which i keep confusing with Frequency)

now, i cannot vouch for the quality of any of these movies. i've never even seen them. all i'm saying is their poop intrigues me.

and here are movies which i cannot poop in the hopes that i will actually see them one day soon:
Swimming Pool
Panic Room
A Very Long Engagement (is this even suspenseful?)
The Shawshank Redemption (yes, i know there is a special place in moviegoing hell for someone like me.)

i just pooped Freedomland today - don't need to see it.

now you may be wondering what the picture at the top of my post means. well, as you have probably seen, i am a graphic-heavy blogger. that said, i didn't just want a picture of doodoo for my post on movie pooping. but i was interested in seeing what images would come up if i googled "moviepoop". there were 3 images in the results and this guy's picture was one of them:


apparently this guy's name is "Meester Poop" and, until recently, he worked at De Wadden Primary School in the Netherlands, according to their School Krant Zonder Naam, which translates to "School Newspaper without a Name".

since i know you guys are dying with curiosity, i've taken the liberty of translating the web site's interview with "Meester Poop" with help from my trusty on-line translator:

"Master Poop finds it very jammer that he goes of school. He goes with pension. He has worked with another school 40 years on a school! He has worked here of 2001, years therefore approximately 4. Now master Poop with pension goes that gladly becomes or captain on a boat wants a travel LEADER, because at home sit find he but nothing. Then he gets brawl with his woman (joke).

He found it very nice on such a coloured school be allowed work, and he found the school complete goeie and beautiful school. To be hobby's are: sails, jet ear plays, children and to the range go. Master Poop found the most beautiful festival here on school which the school was cultivated!!!!
Master Poop, we find it very jammer that you leave, but further you and we have of course had enough time beautiful."

Best Wishes, Master Poop! It's jammer to see you go!

i hate this woman.

adding insult to injury

this is too easy

The Pink Panther gets a big Thumbs Down.

I didn't realize this entire post would be about Brian Regan.

i have been watching the olympics on NBC. after a disappointing start, NBC has finally gotten the hang of their coverage. i watched women's luge yesterday and found out that, to relax before her race, American Courtney Zablocki watched the DVD of Brian Regan she brought with her to Turino:


my sister and i remember B. Regan fondly from our days of watching Short Attention Span Theater on Comedy Central (the old-school sh*t with Jon Stewart and Patty Rosborough, thank you). he's a pretty big stand-up, so his web presence is substantial. here's a snippet of his bio, courtesy of Comedy Central:

"So, just like you might enjoy the taste of a delicious comedy club burger, please enjoy the comedy of Brian Regan."

sometimes local comedy clubs will publish bios of their most famous performers. here's a big of Brian's bio from The Stress Factory comedy club in New Brunswick, NJ:

"So, sit back, order yourself a delicious Stress Factory burger, and please enjoy the comedy of Brian Regan."

i guess you need to pack on the calories to replace all the ones you're gonna to burn off laughing at these wa-wa-wacky faces:


ooh ooh ooh! check out this Brian Regan fansite. can it be? a man who:
a) LOVES Brian Regan
b) Facilitates Real Estate Loans, and
c) Sells rare Children's Books on Ebay?

he's a day late, but i think i found my valentine!

random musings

i think that John Malkovich and Michael Stipe make a perfect match. they are both eccentric bald weirdo hyphenates, who don't overlap each other's turf. and i like them both. i love what Stipe has done with his recent "In the Sun" recordings, and i just discovered John Malkovich's new clothing line???

these cutie tees have the vibe of Built by Wendy meets Fido Dido:

i'm going to thailand in a couple of weeks and suspect i will see lots of cutie tees like this there, so i can wait to spend $49 on a Malkovich original.

tonight BMan and i made dinner for my sister and brother-in-law. we love Mac 'n' Cheese (my personal fave in NYC is from Cafeteria) and tried a new recipe today, courtesy of Giada De Laurentiis. it was a hit! it takes a lot of time to prep (grating cheese is so very grating), but feels good to homecook something every now and again.

bad anecdote alert

Where: Today's episodeWho Wants to Be a Millionaire
Who: Contestant Robin
How: Discussing his wife's discriminating sight-seeing tastes while in NYC.

"I said, 'Do you wanna look at the Twin Towers sight?'. She said, 'Are there any famous people there?'"

am i too sensitive? or is this guy a numbnut?

Happy Valentine's Day!

Keep it sweet!

quit it, Cloontoons!

George Clooney did a little political ribbing at the annual Oscar Nominee lunch:

"I am bringing Dick Cheney as my date. He was so nice. He called me and invited me to go hunting."

i know some people find this, as well as his Jack Abramoff joke at the Golden Globes, cute and cheeky, but it annoys me to no end. Cloontoons! you are not The Daily Show. these jokes aren't funny! i used to think you were a funny person! and now you're giving me material worthy of The Soup.

why don't you stick to your role as a charismatic actor who surprisingly makes me laugh instead of good-looking comedian who material falls flat and makes me annoyed. that spot belongs to Jimmy Fallon.

she's hit a new Loeb

i caught Lisa Loeb's reality show, #1 Single, for the first time last night - ouch. watching this show was an uncomfortable experience. and i like La Loeb, "I Do", to quote one of her unknown, underrated songs.

this show sloppily takes its cues from Sex in the City (cute female in search of love in the big city equipped with sassy, but hopeful internal monologue), as many recent shows have. but instead of a Grey's Anatomy, #1 Single resembles Emily's Reasons Why Not or worse, Leap of Faith. take a cue, tv execs, punny show titles are not cute. subtract 10 points if the main character's name is in the title.

why does Lisa Loeb need such public help? she's cute, smart (brown grad, people), successful (i assume at this point, she doesn't need a day job). my theory is that once cat-eye glasses became en vogue, Lisa lost her one-of-a-kind retro cuteness. now she looks like all of the other quirky, smartie girls in the city, which is still not a bad thing.

so what, then, is Lisa doing looking for love with set-ups from the culture guy on Queer Eye? he didn't have a purpose then, but at least he was harmless. on this one episode, Lisa had a guy split mid-date (after spending half of it on the cell phone), and had a "textile heir" take her dessert plate away from her, saying, "That's enough." ugh! these are her choices? people! this woman wrote "Stay"!

and the official website is just as clingy making cute. check out some of her Dating Tips:

"Early Bird Special: Arrive ahead of schedule. Who knows? The chatty bartender at the restaurant could be your next husband."

stop it, Lisa! do you hear yourself? you need to speak with Dr. Robin, stat!


"Lisa, your soul has been injured..."

cat casserole

From the AP:

"Dr. Norman Shumway, the first surgeon to perform a heart transplant operation in the United States, died Friday of lung cancer, a spokeswoman at Stanford University said."

i wonder if cousin Gordon will be at the funeral:


Andrea Elson will be there, catering.

hey! isn't that...?

Patrick Dempsey's voice, pushing Life Vanilla Yogurt Crunch cereal?

why the need to sell out, Demps? you know the drill:


the nice thing to do would be to throw some of that voiceover work Amanda Peterson's way.

mariska hargitay is dead! long live mariska hargitay!

i went to the mac store yesterday to replace my sick Ipod. did you know you can pretty much cut to the front of the line if you only have an Ipod? i had a 10:20pm appt. and got seen at 1pm. i got a new (ie refurbished) replacement and was sent on my merry way.

welcome to the world, "mariska hargitay 3"!!

all of my Ipods have been named after Mariska Hargitay. when she won the golden globe for L&O SVU last january, my sister and i were so happy for her that i felt we should pay tribute to her somehow. so i named my Ipod, "the mariska hargitay memorial ipod". i guess "memorial" was an omen because she broke that october. her replacement "mariska hargitay 2" lasted even shorter, breaking last week after "Grey's Anatomy". my theory is that the powers that be needed to concentrate their luck on the real mariska - she is pregnant after all (yay, babies!). hopefully in the Ipod world, three times a charm.


"yay! this Ipod works! i should have worn a bra!"

you have the right to remain SEXY!!

HOW GENIUS ARE THESE??? my brother tipped me on these Law & Order SVU Valentines. unfortunately, i missed the ordering deadline and brandon bird, the artist, made it very clear: "And no more will be made, ever." [Emphasis, and sadness, mine.]

Brandon Bird is a genius! not only because he is mega-talented, but because he uses his gifts to pay tribute to my all-time favorite, Law & Order. here's a t-shirt that, although perpetually sold-out, will be mine one day:


see? this proves B. Bird is no fly-by-night fan. from all of the babelicious Assistant DAs to choose from, Bird wisely depicts the best one, by far: Assistant DA Jamie Ross (played by Pre-Richard Gere-Carey Lowell).

Jamie Ross' two years on L&O produced far and away the strongest episodes, as evident by the show's sole Emmy for Outstanding Drama, in 1997. as much as i love Jill Hennessy (and i'd have to since i willingly tried to get hooked on Crossing Jordan) Jamie Ross had the strongest relationship with my honey, Jack McCoy (the delectable Sam Waterston).

as opposed to Hennessy's Claire Kincaid, who had an affair with Jack, Jamie was a single mother in a relationship. she was older than Claire and had no reason to please'im, so the sparring between the two was substantial and so satisfying.

when Jamie left to spend more time with her kid, after Lowell left to spend more time with her kid, raspy, reed-thin Abby Carmichael (Pre-2xist-Jason Sehorn-Angie Harmon) was brought in. equally tough, equally uninterested in Jacking his McCoy, these episodes are also a pleasure to watch. but then it's all downhill from there: Elisabeth Rohm and The-Chick-From-National-Treasure-but-not-the-Main-Chick can't hold a candle to previous Assistant DAs. 10 years after Claire Kincaid, the age-difference between these girls and McCoy is too great for any real tension.

this is how the blended family of Law & Order DAs breaks down:
Jack McCoy = Daddy





Claire Kincaid = Young StepMommy





Jamie Ross = First Teenage Daughter from first marriage




Abby Carmichael = Second Teenage Daughter from first marriage




Newbies, past present and future = Babies from second marriage




post-Angie Harmon, there is no choice but to put all your eggs in the SVU basket. oh, SVU Valentines! i really, really "Huang" you!

thank you, predictable stars!

Matthew McConaughey is on Oprah right now and this is how he chose to start the interview:


of course! you can only fight the tequilla-soaked tide for so long before you have to just let go and enjoy the ride! thank you, matthew, for doing exactly what i knew you wanted to do!

can't wait to see he and Oprah jammin' on those bongos.

no mo' Mo no mo'

From the Newsweek Article, "Turning Fake News Into Real Careers":

"Not everyone who leaves the "Daily Show" nest is set for life. (Keep on plugging, Mo Rocca. We won't forget the good times.)"

ouch, i say. i'll admit it - i didn't always like Mo Rocca. actually, when he was on The Daily Show, i thought he was the smarmiest of the bunch. when he left, i thought it would be the last i'd seen of him, but then came I Love the 80's. aiyee!! i thought a 5 minute piece on TDS was smarmy. but on I Love the 80's, smarmy is all they want! the show is a crucible for smarm, and watching Mo Rocca wax on Punky Brewster make me fly to Barbados. mentally, that is.

but these days, Mo Rocca and i are tight. last fall, i taped a promo for Lifetime's Golden Girls marathon with he and Judy Gold as the special "celebrity" hosts. [are the quotation marks insulting?] while Judy was in-and-out quicker than a get-your-mind-out-of-the-gutter, Mo Rocca could not have been nicer! he ate with all us GG Fans, and even took pictures with two girls i can only justly describe as "big, black, and fabulous", on their camera phones, complete with prom-style poses. and when it came time to shoot himself and the fans singing the GG theme song, he took my suggestion of singing it in a round and made sure everyone knew it was me! "Hey everyone! I think Risa has a real good idea!"

so, ahem, having worked with Mo, i have nothing but nice things to say about him. and, while i'm sure it doesn't feel great being the butt of any joke, i bet he would choose to keep things just the way they are faster than you can say, "Vance DeGeneres".

is this racist?

"That girl is hot, but does she Medgar?"
"Man, does she Evers!"

items from risa's wish list

life shall now be divided into two categories: "My Wretched Existence" and "Saved by my French Fry TV"!

how cute is this thing? answer me! and if that wasn't enough, which it is, the remote control is shaped like a ketchup packet! adorable!

with this tasty tube, i guess every network is the Food Network! (boo!! hiss!!)

"You got the goods."

congratulations are in order for my man, Birch Harms, on his brilliant performance at the UCB last night! so funny, so good!

i wish Ronnie Milsap could've seen it - haiyo! get it? your show was in New York, but according to his official website, Ronnie Milsap was in San Diego!

but he sends his love anyway:


good to know you don't need to have sight to have no dignity ("no doubt!").

joke of the day (for those with rarefied tastes)

Dedicated to fans of: Smokey Joe's Cafe, shoplifting, Swarovski-encrusted handbags

"Girl, I thought you were broke! How did you score that Lieber?"
"I Stoller."

me no like tom ford

that guy. that guy! tom ford loves naked people. in his recent photo spread for W magazine, everyone was either topless or bottomless, himself included. and now he's duped keira knightly and scarlett joho into doing the same for Vanity Fair. only this time, his clothes stay on, for that muy suave sexual predator look that apparently screams "Hollywood Glamour" to Conde Nast. to be "fair" he only filled in last-minute when rachel mcadams dropped out. another reason to love rachel mcadams! did you see her in the family stone? seriously, the woman was spun gold in that film. "oh, of course you do." - genius!

i wish tom ford would figure out what he wants to do and just do it already. he was very successful as a fashion designer, but now that he's retired from fashion, i don't think he should be in my face this much. we only have room for one famous "former fashion designer" at the moment and that's is**c mizrahi. and i can barely stand him. and he was loving the scarlett joho, too, when he cupped her "golden globes" on the red carpet! geez, once angelina got "in the family way", scarlett swooped and scooped the "most desirable female" trophy, with her bod that just won't quit.

and you, too, will be able to enjoy that ghosty white bod on newsstands tomorrow!

seriously, tom, what the f*ck?

Grey's Anatomy broke my IPod

i am a huge Grey's Anatomy fan - just getting it out of the way.

i was watching the special post-superbowl episode (which i had to DVR over 2 shows because it started late, drat) and the final moments (which i won't ruin for those who haven't seen or those who don't care) had the most beautiful song. it sounded like chris martin from coldplay, but i wasn't positive - i had never heard the song before. i wrote down some of the lyrics (which i always do when i like a song, but don't know it, so i can google the title later) and i googled that sh*t. it's called In the Sun, and it's originally by Joseph Arthur. the only versions i could find online were by JA and Peter Gabriel. so i downloaded both and tried to sync up my IPod. i haven't updated my itunes or my IPod software besides repeated "suggestions" to do so because the last time i did that, my IPod broke the next week. but i guess my IPod was mad at me for not updating my stuff because they broke my IPod anyway.

i tried to get some sweet, sad music and all i ended up with was my sad IPod icon. stinks.

and i didn't even have the right recordings! turns out, the song was sung by Chris Martin and Michael Stipe (what? awesome!) and is available on ITunes to benefit victims of Katrina. I highly recommend this song. it even made me feel sad for Ellen Pompepe.

the story behind the name

names are big with me. if i like the name of your band, i might not listen to your music, but i will think you're cool. i have weird rules with names, like i can't stand collective nouns as group names (The Collective, The People, The Church, ugh) and i think that any group name longer than 2 words has a hellalot of pressure to be clever or funny (The Electric Ghost Concern, Sour Girls Love Suicide, This Is Our Name).

that said, i welcome any opportunity to name anything, even creating names for all of my imaginary side projects. when i was in middle school, my imaginary sketch comedy group was named The Cretins. and i am so prolific, i straddle between two successful imaginary bands, Ladyfingers and F.D.R. (Funky Diva Risa) and the New Deal [i know, i broke my own rule, but i was just a kid at the time!]. and my imaginary website was Narc.com.

Narc.com grew out of my hatred of anyone who crossed me and my desire to rat them out on a grand scale. if you cut in front of me in line, you would get narc-ed.com., if you left me on hold for an hour only to come back and tell me i called the wrong number, narc.com. if you ran out of mashed potatoes an hour before closing, narc! and other people could post onto the site with their narcs and hopefully, someone in the world would feel embarassed. i know it sounds so antiquated now, but at the time, it was revolutionary!

hopefully, i am calmer now and won't need to narc.com anyone out. but within the pages of this blog, the spirit of the narc lives on!

welcome to my blog!

hello!!!!

this is the first post, i hope, of many many many. i have been itching to do a blog for some time and have gotten loads of encouragement from my family. but i never could take the plunge. i guess i just worry that no one will read it, or that if they do read it, they won't think it's funny/touching/interesting/etc. but i have declared 2006 to be the year i sh*t or get off the pot.

so, without further adieu, i proudly present my sh*t.