shop 'til your career don't drop.

does Jennifer Love Hewitt have enough money to be shopping so much?

Andy Garcia pisses me off.

what's with this guy? is he even talented? i don't get it. i think he was supposed to be a much bigger star than he is, but it didn't click. he is too slimy to be a leading man, too good-looking to roll with the Joe Mantegna's and Chazz Palminteri's of the world. but he just reaks of something phony to me. his Florida home is profiled in today's New York Times. check out this quote, in reference to his house post-hurricane:

"'You can't get insurance for the first floor," Mr. Garcia says, "But you say O.K., that's fine. This is the price you pay if you want to live in paradise.'"

barf!! this guy is so shiny. i don't think i could have a conversation with him without either feeling like dog doo or being sexually harrassed (which feels great?).

Katharine McPhee wants you to smell her sex! you better vote for her if you don't want her to end up doing porno.

Katharine McPhee is...American Piehole!!

Jonathan Rhys-Meyers is so good-looking he's bad-looking.

call in the SOUL PATROL!!

Taylor Hicks Taylor Hacked "Just Once" last night!! dude! what happened?? this is the final six!!you can't eff around like that and stay safe!! Taylor has the habit of using the first half of his songs as a warmup for the second half. he did it with "You Send Me" and he did it with "Just Once". i love "Just Once" and even i had a hard time stomaching this. boo, Taylor! you're supposed to be the artiste!!

here are my thoughts on the others:

Katherine - the wise woman said, "Don't do Whitney." i thought your song was blah at best, and your sex kitten squints at the camera followed by shots of your teary-eyed pop are making me sick. everyone thinks you're going to win, and you might, but i don't see the personality of an idol. at best, you're a cut-rate Shania Twain. and there aren't enough Mutt Lang's to go around.

Elliot - the way the show's been going, this is your week to leave. you did your best performance by far and turned Paula into a teary blubbering mess, which was beautiful. i'm afraid voters will deem you safe. hey Elliot!! i found your twin!!
David "F*ck me cuz I was on TV" Faustino!

maybe you can start a rap duo with his alter ego, "Grandmaster B".

work calls, so i gotta jet. but more opinion later. Seacrest Out.

equal opportunity

Kaavya Viswanathan proves that even a young Indian female can have what it takes to pull a James Frey.

America, what a country!

Denise!!

Denise! what are you doing? Richie Sambobo is a Samnono!!

i don't like this one bit - your divorce with Sheen is flaring up like hemorrhoids and now you're out and about in the PDA-way with your friend Heather's ex!! this is not good, Denise!!

the details of your split are coming out now, and they sound awful. but this new coupling still feels a little inappropriate.

i don't want to come off as sounding unsympathetic to your cause. you are making Sheen sound a bit loco, but in doing so, it's rubbing off on you. the quick sudden filling of divorce, the quick sudden reconciliation the quick sudden break for good, and now all this sh*t is coming out. all i am saying is, tread lightly Denise!! you don't want to seem to rash!!

in the meantime, Heather, keep rockin' the Spade!!

damn you, pop beat!!

the song "Supergirl" by Hillary Duff has been bouncing around in my head this week. it's featured in that Candies/Kohl's commercial featuring Duff, Michelle Trachtenberg, and two nobodies.


what can i say? it's got a good hook. "Haven't you heard..." i'm very ashamed.

hollywood voodoo

a headline from cnn.com:

Breaking the 'Seinfeld' curse
Julia Louis-Dreyfus having a ball with 'Old Christine'

ugh, i'm sick of "The Seinfeld Curse" !! if being "cursed" is starring on a network sitcom loved by viewers and critics alike, lasting 9 years, winning an Emmy and being able to never work again based on syndication alone, curse me, please!!

nicshe shpeech

on today's Oprah, Jamie Johnson, heir to the Johnson & Johnson phamaceutical fortune is talking about his new documentary of the wealthies.

comparing this interview to the last time i heard your voice, a billion dollars buys some good speech therapy.

that must feel like dog doo

From the Los Angeles Times:

"SAN FRANCISCO — The California Supreme Court threw out a sexual harassment lawsuit against the makers of the hit comedy "Friends" on Thursday, ruling that vulgar and coarse comments by the show's writers reflected the "creative workplace" for a comedy with sexual themes...

...She said they mused about sexual matters involving actors Jennifer Aniston, Courteney Cox Arquette and David Schwimmer and simulated masturbating."

wink wink, it STINK

i saw the commercial for this during La Lohan's SNL last week (my review in a nutshell: "eh" on the whole, the co-workers scene was gold until they sold themselves out).

this movie looks dumbutt. i don't understand why the media insists on pushing clumsy cuties down our throats. is it really that funny to fall? really? i guess these women look so beautiful and put together that it's supposed to be surprising and endearing when they fall. i don't know about you, but if my legs were the size of toothpicks and i wore shoes with 3-inch heels the size of baby toothpicks, i would fall, too (looking right atcha, Hatcha.)

oh, La Lohan is a source of frustration for me. i loved her in Freaky Friday and Mean Girls. but, while she's had enough drama for 5 adult lifetimes, i simply don't buy her as an adult. throw a college movie in as a career sorbet before you ask me to pony $11 to see you as a "Manhattan Socialite".

that's why i'm so psyched about A Prairie Home Companion. i looks like you actually play your age in this one!!

until then, i would like a soft ban on films centered around young urban single ladies. the reason why Sex and the City worked was because they were all in their 30s!!

The new family dynamic

The Family (in order of importance):

Moses Martin

Gwyneth Paltrow
Apple Martin
Chris Martin

now he knows what his bandmates feel.

Guns N' Roses to Play New York

we're all going together, right? i need 15 more bellies to spell out "Chinese Democracy".

tickets on sale tomorrow, foolios - 63 bucks?!?

how little is too little?

Mischa Barton searches for Nicole Richie inside the espresso cup they share.

adorable!

from abcnews.com:

Multimillion-Dollar Bounty on TomKat Baby Photo
By BUCK WOLF

April 19, 2006 — It's "Risky Business" and nothing short of a "Mission Impossible," but the next "Top Gun" among celebrity photographers will be the one who snaps a picture of the infant daughter of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes.

the following is the first draft of the remainder of the article, nixed by ABC news editors:

It has become a "War of the Worlds" of photography, with countless paparazzi after that sacred shot. The snapper of the prized photo will make his competition "The Color of Money" with envy. He will prove he's got "All the Right Moves" when it comes to getting the elusive exclusive.

Of course, getting this photo will not be a walk in the "Magnolia" garden - it would be easier to snag "The Interview with the Vampire" than to get a shot of TomKitten, but "A Few Good Men" with cameras are up for the challenge.

Riding high on a volitile "Cocktail" of adrenaline and greed, these photographers hide out both "Far and Away" and right up against the gates of the Cruise estate, - so close, they can barely be considered "The Outsiders" - in the hopes of grabbing that secret glimpse. And they spend their "Days of Thunder" without sleep, ready to shoot at a moment's notice: "Eyes Wide Shut" at a sighting will cost the scoop, and the multi-million-dollar payday. In this highly competitive contest, "Losin' It" isn't an option. Only time will tell who has enough endurance to be "The Last Samurai" with a telephoto lens.

The TomKitten photo will certainly be used as "Collateral" in acquiring fortune and notoreity. In a boisterous celebration that would rival being "Born on the Fourty of July", their name will become "Legend". Their equals? If any, they would be "The Few". With reward like that awaiting them, these "Young Guns" have "The Firm" grip on the task at hand: Get that shot!!

"Rain Man".

why did you make him choose??

Seacrest Out, you are so cruel!! why did you make Taylor choose who he thought was safe this week!! it wasn't fair. i don't want him losing any votes by taking sides...not fair.

how did Chris end up in the bottom two?? and with Ace, ugh, insult upon insult. my DVR was fritzy so i didn't get his whole performance, but it definitely strayed from his rock roots...i am not worried, though. remember, foolios, Ruben Studdard was also in the bottom three one week and he won it all...and where is he?

other thoughts:
- Paris is just not clicking with people and that's a shame...but i'm sure she will be just fine. even if she gets the boot (next week, i'm predicting).

- Katherine is going to win this, isn't she? goodness, the judges were going completely ape-sh*t over her performance. the girl doesn't have any personality, though! she comes from a nice weepy family and she went to high school with OC chick, but besides that, i don't know anything about her.

by the way, ew linked all these brunies together, and it's quite scary:


- Kellie frustrates me to no end, but i have given up with understanding America's infatuation with her...i think i needed to see her audition. peeps told me she was very likeable and talented and has a bad sitch at home, maybe people just want her to pull herself up out of the sticks. just to let you know, though, America - she is playing with you. all that stuff could be true, but if you continue to vote for her stinky performances, you are going to end up with an American Idol you are ashamed you voted for. i cannot picture this girl selling anything outside of bubblecountry music and we already have Carrie Underwood!! the audition is not the final!! she needs to step it up!!

- Folks are joining the Elliot Yamin Pity Party in droves! this was the first time in weeks he wasn't in the dregs, people sense the urgency to vote to keep him around...i predict this guy in the top 3 - of course, i thought Bucky and Ace would still be around, so i don't know nothing.

Taylor!! you were glorious at the end of your song!! i like Sam Cooke, so i am partial, but i loved the run you had at the end...i agree with Simon's comments completely...get thee onto iTunes and i will buy!!

so long, Ace - i think he is a genuine person. he just happens to also be genuinely least talented in the competition...i thought your closing tape was very humble and will help you keep your fans. good job, Ace - see you on One Tree Hill!

pardon my FRENCH, but you suck.

on one of the fabulous Newsradio DVD commentaries, Vicki Lewis told an embarassing story about promoting her 2001 series, Three Sisters. she was worried she wasn't cute enough for the reporters and network executives that would be there that day, when her blond co-star said (not a direct quote), "You're not cute! That's what I'm here for!"

ugh. you do not mess with my Vicki Lewis. i loved her as Beth on Newsradio. i loved her on Broadway in Damn Yankees. you do not mess with my Vicki Lewis. i was wondering, who's the d-bag who said this to her? so i did a little internet research on the cast of three sisters, and found out her two onscreen sisters were A.J. Langer and Katherine La Nasa.


while both could technically be considered blond, i immediately cleared A.J. Langer. after being overshadowed by instant sensation Clare Danes on My So-Called Life, she would be happy to be working, period, thus not jeopardizing her new gig with bitchiness.

so i figured it was Katherine La Nasa. figures. i mean, look at her:

doesn't she look like she would say that? according to her imdb bio, she married to Dennis Hopper when she was 23. she even had a son with him. well, excuuuuuuuse me. i guess you're just a piece of hot a**, aren't you?

then i saw who she's currently married to:

yep, the decidedly unsexy, squintilicious, never-fully-explained French Stewart.

no offense to French, but to go from wife of Easy Rider's Dennis Hopper to Third Rock from the Sun's French Stewart must've been one bumpy ride down. of course, Dennis Hopper was in Super Mario Bros., so what do i know?

give the girl a break!!

to add insult injury, my Google image search for "Gilbert Gottfried" yielded this photo of Melissa Joan Hart:

the girl just can't win.

Come on, who wouldn't want to f*ck this?

BOSTON, Massachusetts (Reuters) -- Comedian Gilbert Gottfried, the voice of the Aflac duck in television commercials for the insurer, was crowned "unsexiest man in the world" by an alternative newspaper Tuesday.

remember me?...please?

from Entertainment Weekly's Q&A with Melissa Joan Hart:

When I first got pregnant, I freaked out. I thought, ''The press will have a field day with this; an underage actress having a baby.'' Then I had to remind myself: I'm turning 30.

if by "field day" you mean "played in a field because of the massive amounts of free time due to a lack of anything newsworthy", you've got it pegged, Clarissa. er, i mean Sabrina.

she works hard for the money

from People's article on the birth of TomKitten:

Cruise, meanwhile, is "a great dad already," according to his pal, actress Leah Remini.


whatever you're paying your publicist, Remini, it isn't enough!

Broadway's Biggest Star

from cnn.com's story on the Broadway play, Three Days of Rain:

The show, which also stars Paul Rudd and Bradley Cooper, could possibly extend for a few more weeks. The theater's next tenant, "Martin Short Fame Becomes Me," begins previews July 22 and opens August 10.

stage actress Julie Roberts (pictured above) gladly writes "Autograph IOUs" to the hundreds of fans enduring the 3-month wait to meet Martin Short.

Ms. Roberts instructs the crowd: "Listen up, y'all - you get a maximum of four Mississippi's with Mr. Short. And, whatever you do, don't call him Marty."

why did i think Brad Pitt had backbone?

tattoo like Angelina


short 'n' blond like Gwyneth


assy 'n' trashy like Juliette Lewis.

poor Jennifer, Brad was the only person on earth who didn't want "The Rachel" ...or the haircut - haiyo!!

The Great, Disappearing CRED

note to Anna Faris: PLEASE do not let your career get this literal.

you are pretty. you are talented. you made people look past Scary Movies 1 & 2 and The Hot Chick with your brilliant turn in Lost in Translation. to prove that you weren't an indie snob, you did a stint on Friends and didn't bite the hand that fed you with Scary Movie 3. all legitimate choices.

but, lady, you are dangerously close to squandering that cred if you keep doing dumb comedies!! Just Friends? Waiting? Ryan Reynolds is delectable, but you know he has horrible taste in projects!! and why did you go back to the Scary Movie franchise? aren't you through humiliating yourself?

by the way, i just saw the summary for your new movie, Smiley Face:

"After a young actress (Faris) unknowingly eats her roommate's pot brownies, her day becomes a series of misadventures."

girl, you have to quit this sh*!t! the power of the Brokeback may be strong, but you're gonna need to do 10 Brokebacks if you keep doing this schlock.

and if you think i'm joking, you need look no further than Tara Reid:


Lady Nip Slip was once an actress of promise. she made her splash in the critical and cult hit The Big Lebowski, followed by a string of teen sex & horror movies (American Pie, Cruel Intentions, etc.) i'll even forgive her for Body Shots and Urban Legend because Tara was one of the leaders of the pack (that, and Urban Legend is ridiculous and awesome).

then, she got legit! i'm not talking Brett Ratner legit veneer, but the real deal - Robert Altman!! she starred in his clunker, Dr. T and the Women and Altman even had the balls to liken her to "a young Julie Christie" - WHAT?!?!? i lost the In Style interview with his quote, but you got to trust me on this.

like you, Tara also did her TV stint (Scrubs) and her requisite movie with Ryan Reynolds (National Lampoon's Van Wilder). but her partying had gotten too hard to save her. before you could say, "botched boobies", she took a job which is essentially Girls Gone Wild with pay.

and now the only news you hear about her is how "misunderstood" she is and how that Honeymoon Cruiser was psyched to meet her before he disappeared off the boat.

Anna, don't let this happen to you.

squeezing blood out of a stone

kudos to Lance Bass for stretching five more seconds out of his fifteen minutes of fame!!

between 'NSync, that ridiculous astronaut thing, and the fresh new rumors of your homosexuality, we will now start wondering, "Whatever happened to Lance Bass?", as opposed to "Whatever happened to that dude from 'NSync who's not Justin, didn't date Eva Longoria, wasn't in My Big Fat Greek Wedding and didn't look like a Pineapple Head?"

oh, he's gay? i knew that.

by the way, let me just vent about how 'NSync tried to pass off their name as an amalgamation of the last letter of their first names (i know, tres obsecure):

'N - justiN
S - chriS
Y - joeY
N - lance(N)
C - jC

they claimed "Lancen" was Lance's nickname - what the eff?? the story had already come out that Justin's mother named the group because of "how 'NSync" they sounded (barf). that Lou Pearlman - crazy like a fox!!

a new career, perhaps?

from dirty dishers page six (via always-reliable, imdb news):

Ryan Accuses Quaid of Cheating

According to a report on website PageSix, Ryan was unequivocal when the Allure writer asked her flat-out if the actor had strayed. The actress mouthed silently, "Yes, yes, yes." Ryan, who had an affair with actor Russell Crowe while she was still married to Quaid, then mimed throwing stones at her ex-husband while living in a glass house.

wow! what a complicated mime! Marcel Marceau would be proud.

hey, i wonder how you would mime "so desperate to stay sexy in hollywood's eye that you would turn yourself into a fish"?


eh, i'll leave it to the pros!

play ball!!

if your child's softball team is ever in need of a pitcher, call on Oprah. judging by her "interview" with Jennifer Aniston on today's show, she throws'em slow and straight.

news from the B-list

two actresses from the A-list of the B-list are in the news!

Minnie Driver finagled her square-jawed self into a portrait in this month's Vanity Fair. posing in the Green Issue, Minnie joins fellow B-list luminaries Ed Begley Jr., Aisha Tyler, Nia Vardalos (back from the dead!), Daryl Hannah and Martin Short in keeping their toehold on the spotlight by pretending to give a flying f*ck about the environment.

Publicity-hungry Minnie Driver was forced to make her own dress this year's to the Independent Spirit Awards.

in less desperate news, Gretchen "Whatever happened to Gretchen Mol?" Mol is earning rave reviews for her title role in The Notorious Bettie Page! now that it has been firmly established that Gretchen is not "Hollywood's Next It Girl", as Vanity Fair questioned in 1998, Gretchen can now enjoy the earned fruits of her labor! and perhaps now i will associate her with acting from this film, rather her saying, "I don't want to see you to go all in again." from the commercial for Rounders (which this guy says she didn't even say in the actual movie!)

kudos to you crazy B-list stars!!

Chad Michael MatriMurray covers his ass

CMM is working hard to convince his fans/meal ticket that his engagement to One Tree extra Kenzie Dalton (aka One Tree Bride #2) is the real deal. check out this article snippet from my confidante, People:

Although wedding plans are yet to be made, Murray says he is determined to have a long-lasting marriage.

All he wants, he says, is “to be 80 years old and to have been married for 50 years and still be soooo in love."

now let's do the One Tree Math:

if you're married for 50 years when you're 80, that means you were 30 when got married.

what's that? Chad Michael Murray's only 24? interesting...that means he has 6 years to begin this long-lasting marriage. very clever, Matrimurray.

at his current rate, CMM will be celebrating his Golden Anniversary with One Tree Bride #14. my money's on Moira Kelly.

a blessing and a curse

Retin-A gets rid of my zits, but gives me face dandruff.

can i never win?

don't tell me this!!

Woman dies a day after Disney World ride

LAKE BUENA VISTA, Florida (AP) -- A woman died Wednesday after going on a ride at Walt Disney World so intense that it has motion sickness bags.

The 49-year-old woman became ill after riding "Mission: Space" on Tuesday. She was taken to a hospital, and died a day later, park spokeswoman Kim Prunty said in a statement.

i'm going to Disney World this summer and do not want to hear this!!! i hope that my trip is fun and incident free.

an ace in the hole

i know, i know - it was Bucky who was eliminated last night. but i was so ready for it to be Ace, i'm keeping my original entry title! and this photo is the living end!

in last night's elimination show, we got video footage of everyone's hometown peeps (aka "moochers-to-be"). it was a sad state of affairs/genius programming on Fox's part that i tuned in 29 minutes into an hour long show and they had only gotten to the second contestant!

since i didn't see Taylor Hicks, it isn't fair to comment, but from the looks of his audience support, he is either an orphan or has elderly parents that also look decades older than they actually are.

Katherine McPhee - i came in the middle of this, but weepy dad is par for the course.

Chris Daughtry - footage of the family business shows you what Chris will be going back to if you don't vote for him. also, his brother is a little funky looking.

Kellie Pickler - adorable! Kelly's brother is a dimbulb, too! just give the kid a TV Guide and tell him to stop asking you when Kellie will be on TV. i bet the shot of baby brother and Grandfather on the bench swing will be used in the pitch for their sitcom, Little Pickle 'n' Gramps.

Elliot Yamin - dude, he has mad allergies! do you feel sorry for him yet? no? well, then, he has mad diabetes! do you feel sorry for him now? still no? well, he is the center of his mom's universe and if you vote him off, she will catch all his diseases and drop dead!! you blasted idiot, why didn't you vote for Elliot Yamin?????

Ace Young - i hate to say it, but Ace's video pulled my heartstrings pretty good. it seems like the "permanent scar" Ace alluded to in "Drops of Jupiter" was not from a basketball injury like he said, but rather from the years of emotional abuse he suffered at the hands of his bonehead brothers. poor Ace! he looked like he was going to cry when he saw the video, not because he misses his family, but because when he gets sent back home, his brothers are going to strip him naked and ride him through town on the back of their car (a Ford Explorer, natch).

Bucky Covington - remember The Full Monty? the end of the movie was funny, but it made me sad. they may have sold out the strip show, but in the end, these guys only earned a couple of hundred dollars each. it might have been enough to get through the month, but before you know it, they would be right back in the unemployment line. well, that's what i felt watching Bucky's hometown on Idol. Bucky was Christmas come early for this town and America voted and deemed there was no such thing as Santa Claus.

Paris Bennett - Paris' grandma was foxy!! she could run circles around Tina Knowles. overall, her video seemed hastily made - they couldn't get any good nuggets about her choosing schools, and they showed her audition footage, Paris has got to have more meat to her story!!

i got a comment from "anonymous" that praised Chris Daughtry...i think that folks are searching blogs for anything on their dudes and campaigning hardcore for them.

as long as you're reading!! thank you!!

why are we still talking about this?

Dave Chappelle: Why I walked away

LOS ANGELES, California (AP) -- Dave Chappelle says in a new interview that he had several reasons for walking away from his cult-fave "Chappelle's Show" -- and a deal worth more than $50 million.

i don't know why this is news. we saw your hour-long interview with Oprah. you're "not crazy". you had your little block party and brought the Fugees back together. you're still "not crazy". you even released a movie of said-block party and probably made some nice coin for it. that is definitely "not crazy".

so why are you still here? do the Chappelle Show, don't do it - i don't care. but there's no need to talk about it anymore. it's like when someone breaks up with you and has moved on, but they keep wanting to get together to talk about your relationship. there is no relationship. if you have something new to offer, great! i will glady give it consideration. but to rehash over this agonizing decision over and over and over again, it's so indulgent. there's no new information here!

Dave, you are ridiculously funny, although you make me feel guilty for thinking that. please stop talking about yourself. just do comedy. i know you just want to get your story out there to educate people. great, i will keep your sage advice in mind for my next $50 million contract from Comedy Central.

it wasn't me

from Billy Joel's The Daily News:

Daytime television personality Elisabeth Hasselbeck has been having a very rough couple of weeks.

According to her colleagues on "The View" — on which the 28-year-old Hasselbeck is the designated conservative among Star Jones, Joy Behar, "Today" show-bound Meredith Vieira and mother superior Barbara Walters — she's being "stalked" by an anonymous caller.

i cannot stand Elisabeth Hasselbeck. she was cute on Survivor and sadly in her element on The Look for Less. but on The View, she really creams my corn. all the ladies are tough to listen to, but i just find Elisabeth to be so preachy and self-righteous. i know that her conservative background must play a factor, but she's ready to put homing devices on everyone and surveilance cameras everywhere for her daughter's safety. i know she means to come off sounding like the ultimate patriot, but she really just sounds like a whiny rich kid who has no idea what goes on outside of upper-middle class new england. and i'm sorry, but when did becoming a mother make you an expert on everything?? to give some credit (and a break!) to those of us without spouses or children, getting married and having kids does not make you an expert on life. it makes you an expert on your own life. that is plenty, but, Hasselbeck, please don't shove your sh*t down my throat and call it sugar!! go back to designing shoes!!

time to shut the window and avoid The View...now starring Patricia Heaton?!?!?

one sentence American Idol reviews

Bucky Covington - This song sounded more country than Queen...and that was a good thing!

Ace Young - Dude, you have no talent and seriously need to stop it.

Kellie Pickler - Dimbulb, you need to talk to Pink and Oprah about the marginalization of women - STAT!

Chris Daughtry - Stop picking obscruos - we want the Chris Daughtry take on the classics!

Katherine McPhee - Thank goodness Mandisa got eliminated and freed up that power ballad for you, huh?

Elliot Yamin - You look like you're trying too hard, but great sound!!

Taylor Hicks - Why do you insist on running around when you don't have the breath to support the sound???

Paris Bennett - Welcome to Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome...

Randy Jackson - A little pitchy at first, but you did your thing, dawg!

Paula Abdul - You looked real beautiful and expressed yourself beautifully and 40 million people just saw that you are beautiful and wonderful!

Simon Cowell - Your displeasure, yet lack of real toothy critiques, leads me to believe your comments have been bought.

desperado of the day

her nudie may be goodie enough for Graydon, but it earns Keri Russell narc.com's coveted (and inaugural!) desperado of the day!!

not only is she missing the heat of Tom Ford's Nude-a-Rama (where hall-of-famer desperado Sienna Miller went topless) by two months, the three-paragraph article mentions to her now-infamous-always-sad Felicity Buzz Cut three times! and that's not even counting the two hair-related puns!!

Keri, count your blessings that your star hitched a ride on the S.S.J.J. Abrams.

celebrebaby-to-be!!

from my lifeforce, People:

Maggie Gyllenhaal and Peter Sarsgaard are engaged and expecting a baby, reps for both the actors tell PEOPLE exclusively.

rumor has it the baby's a boy. look for baby Aaron Gyllenhaal-Sarsgaard in the yellow pages under Aardvark Aauto.

two GyllenG references in one day!! absurd!!

cough cough, catching up with Jake G.

hello?...who's there?...i'm having trouble seeing through this smoke...there's so much SMOKE, you'd say it were a SCREEN of some kind...

LONG LIVE TOOTHY TILE!!

celebrebabies!!

didn't Kate Hudson have her baby, like, a gazillion years ago?? this baby never ages - he must get that from Goldie. and it's still rocking a binky?? well, you know those Robinsons are prone to addiction.

time to put him down, Kate - even Maddox started walking eventually.

at this rate, baby Ryder will be celebrating sweet sixteen with Calista Flockhart's eterna-toddler, Liam, and the robots that will have become our masters.

comments without context: This guy's so bitter, it's sweet!!

From the EW message boards:

rotten apple- Tue, Apr 11, 2006 at 10:41 AM EDT

You people that buy iPods are idiots. I bought a 4 gig, video Mp3 player on ebay for 30 whole bucks. (plus shipping) That's right, 30 bucks. It's half the size of a Nano.

Oh, but I'm not in the "club"...I don't have the uber-kool iPod...oh well, at least mine works and if it breaks, I will go on eBay & buy another one for 30 bucks! Suckers!
________________________________

i'm so glad he clarified that he had to pay additional for shipping. it would be a sad day if i couldn't trust "rotten apple".

this guy needs to get outta my face.

ugh. i'm so sick of this guy. i don't know why people who are on INSANELY successful tv shows (i'm talking 7 years+) think they are entitled to EVER get screentime again.

Friends was a phenomenon. there will be no show like it. MLB has enough dough to swim in it, Scrooge McDuck-style. why Joey?? it was so greedy of him. we know that MLB's got no range!! just check out those episodes when Joey fell in love with Rachel - oh my goodness, they were laughable. they kept trying to push this "Joey is a romantic lead" bull on me and i just wasn't buying it. he's the dopey, oversexed, numbnut. and we loved him for it...but i felt like they were trying to make all of the Friends more human (and, thus, more spinoffable) towards the end. i hardly watched the show, and i got sick of it!

to be fair (and lucky), i never caught an episode of Joey. it can try to claim cred for having Drea DeMatteo as a star, but she is as typecast as he is. it's not so great having your pick of the litter, there are only a couple of runts for grabs.

anyway's MLB's in the news again because he just filed for divorce from his wife. this makes me sad...and suspicious. rumor has it (to namedrop a bomb) that he is already hooked up with his Joey co-star - say it ain't so, Le Blanc!! don't be a Chad Michael Murray Lite!!

anyways, i think it is time that MLB took his millions and got out of my face. no more Joey, no more "Guest-starring Matt Le Blanc", not even any more catching ketchup falling off a roof.

Dylan Thomas said in the most overrated poem of the century, "Do not go gentle into that good night." Mr. Le Blanc, he was not speaking to you.

Madonna explained

from my beloved Primetime:

Scientists Puzzled by People Who Begin Speaking in Foreign Accents

About four years ago, Bowen began speaking with a strange foreign-sounding accent, and she says she has absolutely no idea why.
____________________
I forgot to try to get Madonna tix. Did you?

matthew sweet will make you SAD!

this album was HUGE for me, especially my freshman year in college. not only the songs, i loved this album cover: the exquisite Tuesday Weld.

but it's the songs that will kick you in the stomach and make you cry. if you ever get a chance, listen to "You Don't Love Me" and "Nothing Lasts" (i can't believe he closes the album with this!). try not to be beautifully bummed out.

i wish i knew guitar.

a quickie

so...Mandisa's off American Idol. sorry to say, but i'm not surprised. first of all, i never understood her hype. sure, she has a fabulous voice, but i never got to know the person behind it...she sorta seemed like a stereotypical backup singer: sassy, brassy, black ('tis true), and blessed. there was no edge to her because in the world of the backup singer, edge is the norm.

Out Seacrest, please don't try so hard to cram another nickname down my throat! i never bought Mandiva - there was nothing "diva" about her! she always acted blessed and lucky to be here. if she were a true diva, she would let us know we were lucky to have her!

the rest of the bottom three was a little surprising, but i guess when there's a trainwreck, the critically injured get the attention first. that's the only way i can explain Bucky and Ace. folks at home know they don't hold a candle to Taylor or Chris or Katherine on a good day, so they need to pump them up. Bucky, he needs your help so bad, he doesn't even know how to ask for it!! so he does by stinking, royally. and you call because you want to see Cletus survive another week...

i predict that Bucky, Ace, and Taylor will all be in the final four, which will make me gag, but hopefully will give Taylor the obvious title.

Chad Michael MatriMurray

from trusted Peephole Magazine:

"Chad Michael Murray is engaged to One Tree Hill crew member Kenzie Dalton, 18, PEOPLE has learned exclusively from a source close to the couple."

ouch. first of all, she's an extra, not a crew member!

second of all, WHAT THE EFF?!?!?!? seriously? are you serious, CMM? what the hell is wrong with you? you are the king of sh*tting where you eat. and when there wasn't anymore food, you went ahead and ate some sh*t (i'm sorry, she is only an extra!)

oh, Sophia (aka One Tree Bride #1!) - adding insult to injury. yeah, in legalese you can say your marriage fell apart on account of "fraud", but more accurately, it's because of "DUPED"! this is so embarrassing. i caught a snippet of One Tree last night, out of curiosity for who this new chickie was and because i saw Haylie Duff (aka Fugly Duff or Haylie Fug) attempting to get her groove on.


dude, that girl is beat nasty. she should count her blessings every day that she stumbled into Napoleon Dynamite.

but back to CMM. this is such ridiculously deplorable behavior...rumor has it that his intended is PREGNANT!! of course, i do not have the resources to dig into this further (AOL instant messenger, Fedora with PRESS label sticking out, subscription to US Weekly, pile of cocaine), but i believe it. why would he want to get married again so soon? it could not be because he doesn't want to be alone. he could be swimming in hooch and cooch 24/7 if he wanted to be, and he doesn't need a wedding ring to do it!

I don't wanna be anything other than
What I've been trying to be lately...

All I have to do is--WOOF! WOOF! WOOF!*

*sung by Gavin "Wool-Hat-is-the-new-I-swear-I'm-not-bald" DeGraw, natch.

back on the bike!

From People:

Lance Armstrong, who split from fiancée Sheryl Crow in February, escorts a mystery gal pal to West Hollywood hotspot Privilege on Sunday. Reps for Armstrong have no comment on the identity of the cyclist's blonde companion.

once a dog, always a dog...LIVESTRONG!

comments without context: The Entertainment Weekly Message boards

full disclosure: i used to frequent the message section of Entertainment Weekly under the name "Little Vicky". i had strong opinions about pop culture and movies and wanted to share them, and meet some strange-o's. honey, there are a LOT of strange-o's out there, all chomping at the bit to give you their thoughts on last night's episode of Grey's or Charmed or whatever.

the thing with the comment section is that people have full dialogues with each other all day on this thing! comments are frequently addressed to one specific reader, sometimes haterater, and make for a delicious read. but, if you didn't catch the beginning of the conversation, these comments are confusing, and even more delicious! i cannot believe all these people are talking about the same hour-long show.

so this could be the start of a regular post, depending on whether or not i like it. but here are some choice posts from the Desperate Housewives Recap:

"Thank you all for the explanation of Vaseline on camera lenz. I guess you know you just burst my bubble. I just knew I could save a barrel of money by using Vaseline and Gauze at the same time on my face. Woe is me. Well, back to the miracle cures I have been reading about. Might try Preparation H. I hear it works pretty good. *sigh*"

"hey shawn! My son did a commercial with you years ago..a Gun control ad.. nice to see you doing so well!! you seem to have honed your craft to perfection.. congrats! Say hi to you Mom from me!
*I have no idea if the stars read this.. but I sure would.. the reviews are hysterical!!! thanks Michael"

"OMG..they NEED to show Bree's son like naked or something w/ his boyfried, he's so HOT!!!!! "

"Both Nordstrom's and Nieman Marcus have restaurants/cafes in some of their stores, including a bar area..."

"I?ve never had my spleen relocated, but somehow the wheelchair seemed to be a little over the top. I?ve had babies surgically removed from my body (i.e. bigger than a spleen) and they drove me to the door in a wheelchair and practically dumped me on theurb. ?Lotsa luck, sista! We?ve heard this kid cryin? all night!?"